Is "passing" really important for Trans folks ?
What is more important to us as trans folks when we are in
public ? Passing as a Cis women or Presenting ourselves appropriately ?. Well there is no perfect
answer and it is individualistic. It is
also based on the place, community and the country that you live in. As trans
women who has lived both in India and US, here is my experience. Please feel
free to add your thoughts and comments.
Though I am gender fluid, I identify, feel comfortable and
express as a trans women. My first public experience was in my ninth grade back
in Chennai. I dressed up in a long skirt and a tshirt. Covered my head with a
scarf and ventured out. My experience was a disaster and I barely made it back
home after half a dozen construction workers humiliated me. I did not pass as a
girl. Neither I presented myself like a
girl. “That’s a boy in a skirt”, they all laughed. Though I ventured out a few
times after that experience, it was never in public. I was sacred about my
identity, my dignity, my parents, friends, school and every possible areas, I
could think of as a young teen ager. I
am glad that did not stop me from trying again.
I am in my late forties now and I still wrestle with these
thoughts once in a while. But in the recent years, I have come to accept the
fact that I cannot look like a naturally born women ( cis women ) and pretend
everyone around me is accepting.
Like every human being in this world, we all have a mental
picture of the ideal person that we want to be and imitate, rather than accepting
the way we are and making the best out of who we are.
The more I’ve tried
to look like this ideal women, the more I ended up being upset and depressed. I
could never achieve that idealistic level that I wanted in me. Twenty five years
back days going enfemme ( going out as a girl mode) was a big deal. Not anymore.
I have friends who continue to ask me for advice and my
answer is still “Be who you are. Don’t be someone whom you are not”. Not the
answer they expect but that is the simple truth. Stop trying and start living. The reality is the fear of unknown. If they
don’t know, then they are not comfortable. If they are not comfortable, they
will not be accepting. With trans awareness and correct way of portraying trans
folk, they will start being open minded.
I don’t claim to be an expert in this area but having lived
and traveled to various places in US and India, I thought of sharing my
experience and some quick pointers, that you may find useful.
No one cares: When people look at me when I am at a grocery
store, restaurant or movie theater, they know I am unusually tall for an
average Indian woman. They read me and get to know that I am trans. After their
discovery, they move on. People very
rarely come and bother me. Then there
are these haters, who will bother you no matter what. Whether you are brown, white,
black, Asian, Muslim, Sikh, gay or straight.
It doesn’t matter to them.
Your inner matters
most : Your inner character as a person matters the most. No matter who you
are on the outside. When someone mis-genders me, I try to not let that bother
me. I tell them, I am a trans women and move on. It is not easy but do not let
that negative thought ruin your inner mind. One of my friend who is unusually
tall says that when she walks into the store, people know right away that she
is a trans. But with her big smile and warm “Hello !”, she wins their
conversation right away. Being a trans person is not an obstacle for people to
start a conversation with you. It is our inner misconception about how they
might react to you keeps you from having a conversation. Smile and move on. Worrying only spoils your
day.
Come to terms :
You need to know where you are on the gender spectrum. So that you can correct folks
when they mis-gender you. Also tell them politely that you are hurt by their
words and action. Instead of saying “You are wrong”. People always tend to
listen when you express that you are hurt or upset rather than saying that they
are wrong. They get defensive. Majority
of them will respond better if you try to respond in a calm way. If they don’t
and continue to be hurtful. Express your
hurt and move on or just ignore them.
Dress nicely :
This is the most important aspect of any person. Whether your are trans or not.
Dress well, look neat and presentable, smell good and stay confident. Always remember to dress appropriately based
on your circumstance and occasion. It makes a huge difference. When you dress
well, it also boosts your confidence. I spend good amount of time picking up my
wardrobe and accessories. Most of the time when I am going about doing my job,
people look at me and smile or say something nice. “I like that bright spring
color” or “that’s a lovely bracelet” or “you smell good”.
Expect the worst:
Disasters happen. In any situation, I tend to weight the risks and anticipate
the worst. That is just me I guess. This is not a pessimistic or negative
approach but it helps you prepare your mind. If I enter a store at a shopping
mall. I anticipate that people are going to stare at me. The store owner might
be suspicious when I am in the women’s fitting room. Especially in women’s
restroom. So I think of all these situations, plan ahead and stay out of trouble.
When in doubt, instead of assuming on my own, I ask and confirm with the
manager, person in charge or authorities. I was once escorted by the security
at a hotel in Mumbai because I looked suspicious. I immediately asked for the
hotel manager and explained about my situation. She was nice enough to escort
me to my room and treat me with respect. One more thing, be prepared when you
are going through airport security or flying internationally.
Stay positive:
Smile, be confident and most of all stay positive. If you focus on negativity, you will only see
negative things around you. I have learnt to consciously put on a smile on my face when I
am in public. So when people walk by they smile or pass nice comments. I have
had positive experience even in conservative places in India. When you are
nervous, it shows on your face and it makes others notice that you are
uncomfortable. A smile goes further than a mile. Your smile can actually change their perception
about you, even if they know you are trans person. Most of the time their curiosity
seamlessly turns into openness. When I stood at a grumpy TSA agent at an
airport, his face softened as he said,
“I just want ensure you are treated properly”. Though I went through extra security check at
the airport, I stayed calm and remembered to smile. It actually helped me,
personally.
Enjoy your day: Every
time I step out of my house, I make it a point to take it one day at a time. We
don’t know what tomorrow holds for us. So just enjoy your coffee, sunset,
music, food. What ever makes you happy that day. Just be happy and healthy.
I am watching the sunset while writing this blog, it gives
me so much joy to hear the waves crashing on the rocks. Wind blowing on my
face. Take personal time and take care of your self. It is important. God
bless. Stay in touch. I would love to hear your experience.
